Jun
27
Vampire Feeding Habits
June 27, 2009 | 5 Comments
I have a pet peeve I want to rant a little bit about today and not too surprisingly, it’s about vampires and how they are represented in the movies. I know that to a certain degree a movie is only as good as its script and that many times the author is told what to insert into the storyline by the producers. That is business, I get it, and I have no trouble with folks making money. That is not what bothers me.
I also know that nearly all movies and TV shows that have vampires in them completely utilize the fictional vampires that are all direct descendants of Bram Stoker’s Count Dracula. From my generation’s Lestat to today’s Edward Cullen of Twilight fame, though they have their own marked differences, each is just a rehash of the original old hotness that created the genre and got the ball rolling. I am slowly coming to grips with this, although it will always disturb me on some level because it glorifies a certain lack of research and concern on the author’s behalf. I know that the Dracula “species” of vampire is all that most folks in America think exist, but that is no reason to continue to foster the lie.
No, what it that really grinds my gears is how the TV and movie people portray vampires feeding habits. It is a truism that not everyone in the world has an IQ over 6 but generally speaking 99% of the population are aware that if they are watching a vampire movie that the vampire is in all likelihood a blood drinker and will feed on the blood of some number of hapless victims. When the vampire is attacking his prey, I hate, hate HATE it when the decision is made by the director, producer or whomever to make some blood dribble out of the vampire’s mouth. But that is not where it ends, they then add insult to injury when the make the creature stop eating, rock his head back and hiss or growl so that you can see that the entire lower half of his face is covered in blood.
How stupid is that.
Vampires are predators, I get it, but why would they do that? If I am to believe that they exist I also have to believe that evolution killed off the vampires who could not keep their food in their mouth as well as the ones who stopped what they were eating so they could let out a victory shout which would no doubt attract the mob of irate villagers armed with pitchforks and torches.
Think about it. You are lion hunting on the plans of the Serengeti. You have to creep in the grass, slowly and quietly, moving only a few inches at a time because your favorite thing to eat, baby gazelles, are nervous and twitch and are prone to run like heck if they even think there could be danger. You spend hours of precious energy stalking and finally you make your move. You grab your gazelle with your mouth and paws and hold on for all your worth. Your claws sink in a little, but you have no thumbs on your paws so you can never get a really good grip. You overpower the little thing and dig in. With no thumbs, fighting against a wild and struggling animal you manage to bite down and keep all the little gazelle’s blood in your mouth. If a lion can do this, I should that that a vampire that is already made to be 10x stronger than a human and who has also most likely memorized his prey into standing still and being subservient should have no trouble whatsoever biting down, sucking hard and swallowing.
And now, do you think for a second that after all the energy the lion expended on stalking and running down his dinner that it is then going to stop eating and let out a victory roar? No he would not, because if it did, the roar could travel for mile and attract the attention of every other opportunity hunter out there that there is a fresh meal waiting to be stolen. Hyenas are notorious for running lions off of their food and they outnumber the big cats in the wild. No lion whose DNA is worth passing along is ringing the dinner bell for others.
And it is so silly looking too, the whole vampire dribbling blood and pausing to give a shout out. Do you ever cram so much food into your mouth that it just starts falling out but yet you keep shoveling in more and more and more? Or in the middle of dinner do you stop and jump up and go “Mmmmmmm” as loud as you can with mashed potatoes being pressed out of your lips? Or pick up the phone and invite over strangers daring them to stop you from getting to dessert?
I know it’s only a movie, I know vampires are not real, but come on already, would the smallest bit of realism or normalcy effect the plot? I don’t think so. Dribbling blood is not even a special effect; it’s not like we’d see that and go, “oh, look at that neat new bit of FX technology, what will they be able to do next?”
Comments
5 Comments so far
Heh, heh, heh. I know what you mean. You’re right. Why would vampires do half of the things they do with a mouthful of blood. They hiss, they talk, they growl, all with a full mouth of blood and never choke – never ever. Besides, we all know what vampires are. They are fully saturated in pop culture. We know they drink blood. We don’t have to see it to understand. Its not like we walked to the movie theater, saw the word vampire and said “hey, what’s that?” As always you are on point. I have read your blogs at Buzzymultimedia.com for a ong time. I had no idea you had your own site. Now that I do, I’ll come by more often. Thanks for keeping us laughing and thanks for keeping us thinking.
It is clear that you never watched my mother’s cousin Moe or my ex-cult leader Andrew sit down to a meal. The two of them committed every gauche eating faux pas known to humans. The noises that came out of them and the abandon with which they stuffed their faces could at times make me lose my appetite. Now I am no wuss and have an appetite that could compete with several large athletes and some of the medium to large sized land mammals yet they could have me at the point of swearing off food for a week just by being at the same table with them. Only one of the two would be what could be considered to be a real predator but when it came to dinnertime they both were impossible.
This doesn’t mean that the way television and films portray vampire feeding is sane or reasonable. Guess they just have to go for what in a porno film would be termed the “money shot”. Gets the attention of the audience and that’s all that matters to them.
While I love your knowledge of traditional vampires and the logic behind how they are inaccurately portrayed in movies and the like, I also love playing devil’s advocate.
Instead of a lion stalking its prey on the Serengeti, I’d like to take a minute and compare a vampire on the hunt to a typical college student on the prowl for their weekly (or daily) alcohol binge. Imagine as day turns to night and the student strategically picks the most promising congregation of booze and company. Upon arrival he scans the venue, usually a cramped apartment, until he spots his prey – the tapped keg. Now he can’t just plunge through the crowd straight for it and be “that guy.” No, he must weave his way, stopping to dish out pleasantries to those around him until he comes to the corner where the keg waits patiently. At this point, his mouth is watering with the promise of cold beer, and the energy of the room around him causes him to abandon the inhibitions of quiet courtesies and he goes for it, cup in hand. Careful not to pour too fast for fear of too much head, he gingerly lets the liquid stream into the waiting red plastic cup. Once full – but not overflowing! – he cannot contain himself any longer, thrusting the cup to his lips he chugs the whole thing at once, either unaware or unperturbed about the beverage dribbling down his chin. Once empty, he holds the cup in the air letting out his battle cry for all of those around him to know his victory, but much more importantly, his dominance over the elusive keg.
lol….i totally agree with what you’re saying. but think about it..do you think any of these books or movies would be as famous if they didn’t add all the theatrics? Would you wanna see a movie where the vampire just sucks the blood from a human quietly and neatly….I know i wouldn’t
Hehe… Instantly Spike, yes Spike (I loved Angel), as well as Deacon Frost came to mind. Im sort of a fanboy of both. Deacon though is by far the most intriguing “turned” Vamp to me. Oh yeah and a movie is in the works… sweet! See? Fanboy.
I agree the blood letting is overdone. Yes the “money shot” is more often than not a crap shoot but hell the comparison of drinking that Lauren points out is a better comparison even though we know that technically they are feeding.
Shit, I’ve had a beer, a nice cold beer, after a hard day of good old fashioned American labor and I must admit when the liquid flows down my throat and arrives at its digestive end I let out a exhilarating and often over exaggerated… “Ahhhh” along with a facial expression of “Stay away THIS IS MINE!!!”.
Or how about when you take that brewski down the wrong way? Hmmm. Maybe that’s it. Taking it in so aggressively that you have to yell out to release the gas bubble sitting right… there… *belches* “Ahhhhhh!”
I still concur though. But I’m so accustomed to the “money shot” that if I don’t see blood I’m pissed… “They ain’t no real Vampire, I KNOW real Vampires.”